Ambassador John Bolton – The President of Red Eye


PART OF MY DAY.>>OH JEEZ. BEFORE WE START THE SHOW, LAST YEAR AMBASSADOR JOHN BOLTON WAS NAMED PRESIDENT OF “RED EYE.”>>SEE IF THAT STIRS THEM UP A LITTLE BIT.>>ARE YOU SO DEVIOUS. THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULD BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OR AT LEAST PRESIDENT OF “RED EYE.” YOU ARE PRESIDENT OF “RED EYE.”>>PRESIDENT OF “RED EYE,” JOHN BOLTON.>>AS IS TRADITION, THE PRESIDENT OF “RED EYE” WILL DELIVER A STATE OF THE SHOW ADDRESS. AMBASSADOR, YOU HAVE THE FLOOR.>>MR. GUTFELD, MR. SCHULZ, MR. LEVEY, DISTINGUISHED GUEST AND MY LOYAL “RED EYE” VIEWERS. A SHORT TIME AGO I WAS DECLARED THE PRESIDENT OF “RED EYE.” IT IS THE SINGLE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THIS NIGHTLY TRAIN WRECK. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SIX YEARS, “RED EYE” HAS A CLEAR VISION OF WHAT IT NEEDS TO BE SUCCESSFUL. ME. I’M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT “RED EYE –” RED EYE” HOST HAS STOPPED TAKING PRESCRIPTION PILLS BEFORE EACH SHOW. I BELIEVE THIS COURSE OF ACTION WILL HELP HIM FINALLY TO BE ABLE TO CORRECTLY PRONOUNCE DIFFICULT WORDS LIKE MAN TIE MANTI TE’O, IRRECONCILABLE AND THE. “RED EYE” SIDEKICK, BILL SCHULZ IS AS POINTLESS AS EVER. I RECOMMEND THAT HE BE REPLACED WITH A MUSKRAT OR RACCOON. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT THEY DON’T BITE THE OTHER GUESTS. “RED EYE” AMBUDSMAN’S ANDY LEVY IS FAITHFUL TO WHATEVER HE DOES ON THIS SHOW. WHEN HE SPEAKS I TEND TO TUNE HIM OUT. LET’S FACE IT. NOT ONLY AM I THE PRESIDENT OF “RED EYE” I AM A FORMER AMBASSADOR AND HE IS JUST SOME GUY. AND THE STATE OF ADORABLE ANIMAL VIDEOS HAS NEVER BEEN STRONGER. WHILE CATS CONTINUE TO DOMINATE, DOGS HAVE MADE A TREMENDOUS SHOWING IN RECENT MONTHS. ESPECIALLY CORGI’S. I SUSPECT THAT BABY SLOTHS WILL KEEP THE CUTE FACTOR AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH. FINALLY I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS CONCERNS ABOUT WHAT MANY REFER AS THE LEG CHAIR. I ASSURE YOU DEVOTED VIEWER THAT THE LEG CHAIR HAS NEVER BEEN LEGIER. SECOND, AND I CAN’T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH, IT IS THOUGHT CALLED THE LEG CHAIR. SO PLEASE WHEN REFERRING TO THE LEG CHAIR, DON’T CALL IT THE LEG CHAIR THANK YOU, AND MAY GOD BLESS “RED EYE.”>>THAT WAS AN INCREDIBLY POWERFUL STATE OF THE UNION AMBASSADOR. IT WAS DISTURBING, DELIGHTFUL, DELICIOUS LIKE YOUR MUSTACHE. THOUGHTS?>>WONDERFUL. I AM HONORED TO BE HERE. IT IS YOUR FIRST NIGHT ACCEPTING THIS PRESTIGIOUS HONOR AS PRESIDENT OF “RED EYE.” AND IT IS SO WELL DELIVERED. I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE READING OFF A TELE PROMPTER ALL YOUR LIFE.>>I WAS WORRIED WHEN I HEARD THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA HAD TAKEN MY TELE PROMPTERS TO ISRAEL WITH HIM. BUT WE MADE IT OKAY.>>REMI, WERE YOU MOVED?>>I WAS MOVED ALMOST TO TEARS. I THOUGHT IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL STATEMENT. I ACTUALLY ATTENDED THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TWO YEARS AGO AND THIS RIVALED THE PRESIDENT’S STATE OF THE UNION. THE STATE OF THE SHOW WAS IMPRESSIVE.>>AND SHE SAYS THAT FROM THE LEG CHAIR. OH SORRY.>>DID YOU NOT LISTEN?>>BILL, THIS WILL BE THE CLOSEST YOU EVER GET TO GREATNESS.>>I HAVE A COUPLE OF QUICK POINTS TO MAKE. ONE, RACCOONS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO CARRY RABIES AND I DO NOT HAVE RABIES. I CAN’T EMPHASIZE IT. AND I AM GLAD REMI USED THIS OPPORTUNITY TO TELL EVERYONE SHE WENT TO THE STATE OF THE UNION.>>>WE ARE BACK. LET’S FIND OUT IF WE GOT ANYTHING WRONG SO FAR. FOR THAT WE GO TO ANDY LEVY. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE STATE OF THE SHOW THIS.>>HI, GREG.>>SORRY. DIDN’T MEAN TO DISTURB YOU.>>THAT’S OKAY. AMBASSADOR, DO YOU PREFER AMBASSADOR BOLDON OR OWNER BOLDEN?>>WHO IS THAT SPEAKING?>>I WILL JUST SIT AND WAIT FOR YOU TO ANSWER MAY QUESTION.>>REPEAT THE QUESTION.>>DO YOU PREFER AMBASSADOR BOLDEN OR PRESIDENT 3W08DEN?>>YOUR EXCELLENCE SEE WOULD BE FINE.>>YOU SAID WHEN I SPEAK YOU TEND TO TUNE ME OUT BECAUSE I AM JUST SOME GUY. ACTUALLY NOW THAT I AM SAYING I REALIZE I DON’T HAVE A QUESTION.>>THAT’S OKAY. I DIDN’T HAVE AN ANSWER. I WAS PLEASED TO HEAR THE STATE OF THE SHOW IS GOOD. THAT WAS NICE.>>IT IS NICE.>>IT IS VERY NICE.>>YOU ARE BOTH NICE.>>WE ARE GOING TO HAVE WORDS AFTER THE SHOW.

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