https://brewstew.com The last thing I wanted as a kid
was a big-ass pair of glasses hanging off my face *Pop* Which is unfortunate, when you
just so happen to blind as shit as a kid I was so blind..
You know the big E on the seeing-eye charts? Yeah, I couldn’t even see that bitch I’d be playing a little league as a kid Be all the way out in the outfield,
couldn’t see shit, be like, “Hey guys, are we still playing?” *Whoooosh-thwack!* In the school it was even worse,
the teacher’d be like, “Do all these math problems on the chalkboard” And of course, I’m sitting 100,000 miles away,
practically in the fucking hallway Like, “There’s a chalkboard in here?” My parents would take me
to the doctor and they’d be like, “Our kid keeps running into walls..
uuhhmm.. we think he’s autistic?” And the doctor’s like, “Well, he’s not autistic,
he just can’t fucking see anything” “Why doesn’t he have glasses yet?” And I was like, “Shut your mouth, old man!
I don’t want any of these goddamn glasses!” When they’d test our vision in school,
I’d just wait, have a bunch of kids go ahead of me And just memorize what they would say,
when they’d read off the chart “Next person!” “Ahem.. EZYXWVUT!” “Boom! You can all suck it!
I can see just fine!” “Uh.. the chart’s over there!” So I’d go to the shitty-ass eye doctor And if you’ve never been to the eye doctor before,
then you don’t know what hell on earth is And one of the first tests
they put you through, is for glaucoma And the doctor’s like, “Just put
your chin up on this machine here” “And we’re gonna shoot
a little puff of air into your eyeball” “Okay? You’ll barely feel anything..” *Damn thunderous bang* “Alright, let’s do the next eye” And then they throw their
torture chamber device on your head And start making you read stuff “Alright, tell me what you see”
Like, well, I still don’t fucking see anything But I feel obligated to at least make a guess Like I’m playing some shitty carnival game Like they’re gonna give me an oversized
stuffed gorilla if I get them all right I’m like, “Uh.. M.. lowercase q,
the ‘at symbol’.. uhhh..” “A Goomba from Super Mario World” “How am I doing, doc?” “You got ’em AAALLLLRIGHT!” *Hooorrraaayyy*
*Applause* No, not even close.
I was clearly blind as shit So they put me out in the waiting room,
and I’m looking at all these frames on the wall And I’m thinking, “Well, if I got to wear glasses,
I might as well go for the Jeff Goldblum look” Because.. because he was fly as shit! And the doctor’s like, “Easy there, Sonnie.
Your family’s insurance only covers these frames” And he point to one lonely shelf, that’s filled with
the most hideous glasses you’ve ever seen in your life Ones with double bridge frames in there So your glasses won’t break
when the kids throw rocks at ya Glasses, that would be bigger,
than kids’ book bags at school “I can’t feel my nose” Well, that’s because
your fucking glasses are 14 pounds I’m like, “Oh, thanks a lot, doc!” “I said Jeff Goldblum,
not fucking Jeffrey Dahmer!” “I’m not wearing these glasses, Mom and Dad!
I’m gonna get kicked in the balls!” Zachary gets kicked in the balls
every day at school Fuck that! I’ll keep catching baseballs
with my face, before that happens My parents are over there,
trying to make me feel better “Well, you definitely look a lot smarter!” “No, I look like I’m gonna get my ass beat
at school, that’s what I look like, Mom!” But I did wear them outside of school Because it was actually pretty nice
to see things every once in a while! Everything didn’t look like
Nintendo 64 graphics anymore Everything was so vivid! I didn’t even recognize my friends
the first time I’ve seen them again “Man, you guys look different!” We’re in the car on the ride home, I’m looking
out the window, reading everything that I can “That sign says ‘STOP’,
that sign says ‘Speed limit 25′” “That sign says..” “Shut the fuck up! Okay? We get it!” “You can see again,
telescope eyes, it’s no big deal” “Why don’t you go read yourself a book?” “With your Judge-Judy-looking ass”