Fat Cry 5


Fat Man Cries™ 5 is the latest installment in the open world Fat People Crying™ franchise. In this game, you can play as both man AND woman. But hitting woman as man results in an instant game over. You take the role of the junior deputy. Serving and protecting across the state of Hope Country, Montana. and cleaning the gene pool of any receding hairlines. Your enemy this time is probably the most ethnically diverse cult in human history: White men with unkept hair, Single mother #1059, and of course, and of course, MC Ride. The cult is also led by four main figures: “Fan fiction” Ron Weasley, Starting your Fallout character with 10 charisma, AND woman. And the primary figurehead: Joseph Seed. …Wearing nothing except yellow aviators like a fucking degenerate. and probably has the highest rendered snot physics in a video game. *beautiful* BY A SNAKE I N T H E G A R D E N ! ! *i feel ya man* *vacuum noise* Their goal, like most cults, is to indoctrinate as many people as possible to save them from the coming apocalypse. Apparently saving the lives of people means killing them in the most gruesome fashion humanly possible. The character customization is astonishing. They really try to make you feel like the avatar you’ve created. Although it is a shame that you don’t actually have a character unlike in previous games. You’re just a mute, gormless dickhead number #348. Say what you want about Mr. California, but at least he had a character arc. But hey, without customizable characters How else are they gonna force in microtransactions? I know it sounds bad, but honestly, I don’t see a problem with it. This shirt was only 30 RoBUXs. “Did I ever tell you the definition of Insanity?”*oh i need to look that up* They’ve also made some great innovations to the HUD. Getting rid of that stupid-ass mini-map from previous games. Nice to see Ubisoft really innovating their games now. And leaving the safety of copying what games were doing SEVEN years ago. You begin the game to arrest Joseph Seed, probably due to his snot texture taking up 89% of my computer’s CPU.*laggy af* I was going to make the joke about leaving without arresting him but every fucker on this earth has already made that joke, so it’d be totally redundant. Joseph doesn’t seem to care that he’s being arrested probably because he’s aware of the logic video game helicopters work on: Crashing. EVERY SINGLE TIME “I was blind” “But now I see.”*videogamelogic.wav* *metal gear solid stealth music* “What’s wrong? Snake?!” “SNAKE ” After a failed arrest attempt, you and the marshal evade capture with tensions running high as someone has sold us out. After which I’m saved by some sort of Walter White look-alike and taken to his sex dungeon.*i think i know what’s gonna happen* After which I gather supplies and leave Vault 13 and enter the wastelands to find my family with each one subsequently more retarded than the last. One of the first things I noticed is how dogshit all of the weapons are. Encapsulating perfectly my first experience with a firearm. With the only exceptions being the blowtorch, …which somehow works better than an Industrial flamethrower. and a stolen weapon from Black Ops Zombies. The weapon forces thoughts of cultural appropriation, So hard into people’s head that they simply cease to exist. But if Ubisoft put seven people in charge of designing the firearms, They put the entire population of Madagascar into designing the melee weapons. Lay down your arms, Puny mortals. Never again show you sully your hands with the stench of a firearm, after harnessing the divine power of an enchanted lead pipe. and may God have mercy on your enemies… …when you get a hold of the mighty shovel. if Captain Ahab weld this shovel on his hunt for Moby Dick, He would have perfectly skewered the Beast. While simultaneously piercing the Sun. *bass blast* At the beginning of the game, you’re given multiple ways to build resistance against the cult. These include: – Worshipping the cult’s direct competition: Ronald McDonald, – Liking your own tweets on Twitter, – Thinking Kanye is; and I quote, – Thinking Kanye is; and I quote, “Woke AF,” and finally: – Killing the entire population before the cult can. *Who Wants to Be a Millionaire winning sound effect* Mission structure involves approaching a person and getting a quest from them That both of you don’t care about. As I progressed through the game, one cultist decided to leave his brethren and join the resistance. Instead of carrying him to the rescue boat as the mission asked me to, I snapped his neck for being such a pussy ass bitch. Then I did actually rescue him. …only to realize he couldn’t swim. A highlight of the game was collecting bull testicles and eating them for their apparent hallucinogenic effects. but the Hallucinogenic properties weren’t enough for me to believe that this was the most sold Far Cry game to date… But I did unlock a pig with a party hat, so it was nearly worth it. Back in Far Cry 3 and 4, excepting missions, you’d have a well animated, motion captured cutscene Giving you a mission, while also giving you backstory to a character and some light world building. In Far Cry 5, you just speak to characters on the spot. This is easily a step up in game design, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The graphical fidelity in this game is PHENOMENAL. Through my travels, I found a crate of apples Somehow looking worse than the Wumpa fruit from the first Crash Bandicoot game. The game tries to have wide enemy variety by reusing every enemy type from previous Far Cry games. …and somehow having all the same problems. Take this man with the flamethrower. a total bitch to kill, but once you’re in water his efforts are hopeless. and he returns to the void… …of Commenting on Nostalgia Critic videos. There are also zombies in the game as well …course right, of course there are fucking zombies. attacking them shows their true form: Sentient turkeys that despise humanity for so many of their kind slaughtered. There’s not much of a point talking about the more normie enemies, when you realize that they all die from a single bullet. …from a fucking *semi-automatic rifle.* *Pyro chuckles* It’s actually amazing how I felt like Quiet from Metal Gear Solid 5 not because of my enhanced super-abilities or even because of my shapely ass, …but because how fucking brain-dead EVERYONE in this game is. *theme to MGS5: The Phantom Pain* *weak clapping* *music continues* *Minecraft oof* *boink* The locals are just as incapable. I’m actually convinced some of them are escaped convicts from Arkham Asylum [Unnecessarily loud glass breaking SFX] It really does amaze me how these people survive day-by-day, even before the cult arrived. It’s honestly best to just put them out their misery, because they’re just gonna get themselves killed anyway>ok But some of them are given immortality due to the divine intervention of being relevant to the story So instead of dying, they have an allergic reaction to the lead and copper from the bullet lodged in their brain Which can be instantly cured by giving them a jab with an EpiPen The stealth system has been massively overhauled Taking inspiration from Thief: the Dark Project and the pizza delivery game from Spiderman 2. Part of the initiation process for the cult seems to be the removal of both eyes and ears as no matter how close you are to them, they can never spot you. I was also hoping that bring back some reoccurring characters to the franchise like for example, Jason Brody or African militant #843 But instead they brought back the two most hated people in the entire franchise : Captain “America,” and the guy who ate his own shit in Far Cry Primal. I dealt with Captain America much like how he died in the Avengers movie: Shot by Thanos, with a .44 scope Magnum. “Sweet mother of heavens!” After which I fell into the earth most likely as punishment for my crimes against humanity I dealt with Hurk in a similar way his ancestor died with the SPAS-12 There’s also the option for companions in the game Obviously taking a leaf from the *incredibly likeable* allies from Far Cry 2. The problem is, Far Cry 2 had an oppressive atmosphere that was honestly hard as nails. “Noice.” Allies never really even helped you directly. They either gave you a way to complete a mission or carry your fatass when you pass out from one too many Filet-‘o-Fish. Far Cry 5 instead has companions with you 24/7 throughout the entire game. Taking the game from easy… to a literal child’s daycare. The game is so painfully straightforward I didn’t even know I could throw rocks to distract enemies until my second playthrough This is probably the only game in existence where you’re given a slingshot with rocks, Facing against a man with a revolver, …and still have a 100% chance of winning the encounter. I’m sure you could give a newborn baby, fresh from the womb, a controller. and he would have completed the entire game in just four hours Truly innovative, The game that literally plays itself. And if you forgot about the companions, don’t worry. because the game *constantly* reminds you about it. **H O O H.** One of the earliest companions you get is a dog. …the dog could telepathically relay enemies locations to me. clearly because this is a direct descendant of Scooby-Doo. The dog can also revive you because the dog’s saliva is infused with the same chemicals That made Willem DeFoe Into the Green Goblin. Apart from the unique companions available You also have random homeless people you can bribe to join you One homeless man had a rocket launcher “I’m just a nigga with a rocket launcher” and made it his sole mission to target the one and only Vehicle in the entire game that would cause a mission failure if damaged. *shoots at truck anyway* You fucking piece of shit fucking maniAAAA– My favorite overall companion was the tow truck. haunted by the ghost of a recently deceased Uber driver. After killing my current companion, I had to climb aboard to tame the Beast Changing its diet from Dog meat to Cult members. Online co-op is also a returning feature from Far Cry 4. Thankfully, the Far Cry community is easily the most skilled and intellectual community out there Thankfully, the Far Cry community is easily the most “skilled” and “intellectual” community out there going all the way up there… with Fortnite (Battle royale). Never again will you play the game like it was meant to be played. Instead, you’ll go into the options, Turn on friendly fire, then spend the next five days torturing your friends to the point of chronic depression. Outposts can also be claimed from the cultists. but usually because Ubisoft only has *ONE* fucking playtester, You’ll capture an outpost, be shown a cutscene of the resistance taking control, …and then fucking die, because a cultist spawns *RIGHT* in front of you. The game’s writing is PHENOMENAL. …with trendy and cool writing any mother with a Facebook account will adore. *mlg scream* (echoing) “diabeetus” Easily the best character in the entire game is Chad Wolanski. Not only is this man a total fucking brain-let, “Now we’re here!” He also perfectly emulates what someone working at Ubisoft, i.e. a French person, actually sounds like. “Hey there. [unintelligible].” “You have disturbed the DIRT!” There are about 500 characters in Far Cry 5 and each one of them gets five seconds of screen time So whenever someone is killed off, you couldn’t give less of a fuck. I actually cared more about catching fish and selling it for sweet-sweet Patreon money than I did killing the cult leaders. Speaking of fishing, the fishing minigame is fantastic! Much like real-life fishing, it only took me 75 hours to capture a single fish. Got a bite! Got a bite! Oh? Fuck this shit game! Far Cry 5 is the most bug-free title Ubisoft have ever released. This game is a true testament to a perfect sandbox experience. The few bugs I did encounter didn’t affect my immersion and could be quickly fixed with a recent patch “Who’s laughin’ now?” Far Cry 3 and 4 had that LSD dream sequence levels. and Far Cry 5 is no different. But in this game, The LSD must have been assembled at a ratchet dollar store. because the levels feel… unfinished at best. To compensate this, Ubisoft added a haunted house level into the game, where the player encounters a bunch of horrific figures somehow more poorly rendered… …than a stock Adobe Fuse model. The wildlife isn’t really much to write home about. If you’ve played a Far Cry game before the collapse of good game design, then you know what to expect here. [explosion effect] One new addition, however : Animals are now able to level up with the player. As seen here, this bear unlocks a master locked door using only his claw as a lockpick. “STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM.” Okay guys, the next parts talking about the ending to the game, so if you want to play the game just, you know… uuheuhhh (Pyro, Are you having an orgasm???) One thing I found astounding is how that there are so many endings to this game and all of them are total dogshit. You’re given the “choice” to leave at the start of the game to return to your sedentary mundane life. …filming Reddit reaction videos for YouTube. and at the game’s climax, the same choice is presented. Leaving Joseph to conduct his experiments at Hope County School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, – or standing up for yourself, because you are a strong, independent female who don’t need no cultists. Abiding Joseph’s wish and leaving is incredibly underwhelming. You leave with your ragtag band of deputies and sheriffs and talk about getting the International Gamer Police involved to take Seed down. But suddenly, someone starts playing an Ali-A video over the radio sending you into a homicidal rage where you kill everyone *Ali-a doing generic fortnite video #8442458* With no one to stop Joseph, he creates his own micro-nation of soldiers, fighting in the believe of no borders for mankind neither ethically or spirtually. The game ends, credits roll, and then you realize after all this time Far Cry 5 was actually a prequel to Hunt Down the Freeman. “You fucked up my face.” Alternatively, you can resist and beat the cum out of Joseph Seed but because Joseph is a total pussy, just before you exact revenge, …he calls in his 25 kill streak. *COD air strike sound effects*
“holy shit!’ The only place that could survive such a blast is Walter White’s sex dungeon. I drove to the dungeon, taking Joseph Seed as my future husband, but the car crashed, because my only experience driving is playing Crazy Taxi on Dreamcast. And Joseph instead takes ME captive, and explains to me how he predicted he’d get a 25 kill streak. The game fades to black, and I sit in total astonishment that not only is there no way to kill Joseph Seed anywhere in this game, but this is the fastest selling game in its entire franchise. I don’t hate this game, I just don’t think it tries anything new… and the fact that this game is selling so well; It’s going to tell you the Ubisoft that they can get by fine just by coasting. There’s a reason the biggest jump in design change was between Far Cry 2 & 3 and the rest all just kind of meshed together The game is fun, but an incredibly forgettable experience. Overall, I give “Far Cry Vengeance 2” a 5 out of 10. Overall, I give “Far Cry Vengeance 2″ a 5 HUNDRED out of 10. Sorry guys, this is just the best game I’ve ever played. Once I realized I could utilize the Wiimote and Nunchuk, gaming has never been the same for me. Now all we need is Bethesda to release Far Cry VR! ♫”They’ll look high and they’ll look low” ♫”They’ll look everywhere we go.” ♫”But when the Sinners find us we won’t hide” ♫”They’ll come loud and they’ll come fast” ♫”We shoot first and we can last” ♫”Keep your rifle by your side!” ♫”Singin’ , Oh Lord” ♫”This Earth was made for us! ♫”Singin’ , Oh Lord, this sinful life just ain’t enough” ♫”So we’ll take a stand ’cause we must protect our land!” ♫”Keep your rifle by your side!” “Fuck’s sake!” ♫”They’ll come day and they’ll come night” ♫”They’ll have our children in their sights!” ♫”But if they don’t have faith, their eyes are blind!” ♫”They can scream and they can shout” ♫”But they can never smoke us out” ♫”Keep your rifle by your side!” ♫”Keep your rifle by your siiiiiiiiidddddeeee!” *maniacal laughing* *le funny joke* {listen, guys. The captions aren’t the place for your “epic funny moments commentary”. They’re for people who *need captions*.} {if you wanna meme so hard, just do it in the comments.} *Snake’s death noise from MGS*

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