Loneliness: An Epidemic in our Society and Why We Need to Change – Teal Swan Speech London 2018


Get your copy today!
The Anatomy Of Loneliness Teal Swan’s Book Release Speech
at Alternatives London November 1st 2018 Hi Everyone. ~ Applause ~ I haven’t had quite a warm
welcome like that for a while. Thank you. Audience: You’re amazing T: Thank you. You guys ready to get started? Audience: Yes. T: So, I wanted to start off by telling
you guys why I wrote this book. Because today is a speech
about loneliness which is obviously dub tailing off the
fact that I wrote this new book. So this is how it went, I didn’t actually know that
I began writing book back when I was
about 15 years old. But it’s the real truth. I was miserably lonely. I was so lonely that I tried to
commit suicide multiple times and those of you who have
struggled with addiction you also know that loneliness is
the root of all addictions as well I was heavily addicted at that time, I was a cutter and I was
also addicted to ketamine. Now, back then I was
in the same position that most people are when they’re
feeling desperately lonely which is that I’m looking
around at the world thinking that I’m the only
one that feels this way. That’s what
loneliness does, and that’s the first thing
we have to get about it Loneliness tells you that you’re
the only one that feels it. So, what I felt like
growing up is, I’m just the only person who doesn’t
belong here on planet earth. Everyone else has a family,
everyone else has a partner, everyone else has somewhere
to belong but me. now, those of you who
know my story already know that through suicide I figured out
how to commit to life actually. Because I came to this point
where I was like, you know, I’m not actually gonna be able
to create a life that I want to create unless
I commit to life and I really noticed that was
what my suicidality was about. Sort of fence sitting between
wanting to be here and really not wanting to even be
here at all. So, I played this game with
myself back in the day, which was I can always kill
myself tomorrow. That sounds like super depressing
for a lot of people. But actually using suicide as a safety net
is what made me surivive. So I started this game
because at first I couldn’t commit to anything
more than five minutes. So I started a game that was, I can
always kill myself in five minutes, so what do I do with
these five minutes? And my thing was I have to,
if I’m gonna do that, I have to commit to these
five minutes 100% I don’t even get to think
about killing myself Now that five minutes turned into
may be half an hour and then turned into an hour and
then turned into half a day and then it turned into a day.
So the way that this game went is okay, I can always kill myself tomorrow,
what am I going to do with today? And what I really found when I
poured my energy into a day, was that life became,
you know, a lot better. When you’re putting energy into
whatever life you want to create things start to manifest. So ultimately that game put me
into a situation where I was able to get out of the hell of my life
and I was able to actually connect with some people. Those of you who have been
watching know Blake Dyer. He’s gonna be up here on
stage with me, in a minute. Um, I ran away to him, when I got
away from all my childhood abuse and, yeah…
~ clapping ~ Ya, Blake was the first person
that I ran into where I felt like, you know, maybe I might belong
somewhere and with someone. So what I did was, I patched my
life back together again and This is like even years down the
road, I actually had connection. But I was still telling myself
the story that only I had experienced that
level of loneliness. It wasn’t until I got into this career
actually, where I was like “Ok I’m going back in the
direction of spirituality” that thing I wanted to escape
from for years and years and I’m going to start teaching the world
about the kind of stuff that I know. And it didn’t matter what
country I went to, it didn’t matter what continent
I was standing on, it didn’t matter whether a
person was talking to is considered popular, famous or not,
wether they were male or female, every person had the same story
for me which is “I feel super lonely.” So I started to realize this is an issue
that is a lot bigger than just me and I started to realize, what I told you
at first when I stepped out here on stage, which is that loneliness convince you
that you are the only one that feels it. So what I had in my hands
was this epidemic issue. Now, I started to kind of
look at the world with this view of “everybody is
actually feeling lonely. Why is this the case?” And what I realized is that
loneliness is something that is far reaching beyond an
individual’s sense of suffering. This is actually a collective
social epidemic. And what I realized is, that separation which is what is fueling this
sensation of loneliness is actually behind every crime, every addiction. Now when I say every crime, most people
are like that doesn’t make sense, like how does loneliness have
anything to do with crime? Like this, if I can commit
some atrocity against you, wether it’s killing you
or stealing from you, I have to first feel disconnected
from you to do it. Otherwise if I create some sort of injury
I will feel it myself, when I’m connected. So you have to first feel separation in order to become addicted, in order to commit to suicide, in order to wage war, in order to commit a crime. So what i’m looking at here in the world
is this collective epidemic of loneliness actually creating the world suffering
that we are experiencing today. So for that reason I decided I have to
figure this thing out. and when I looked at my life and
the path that I had taken to actually get connection, at that point I couldnt
figure out what it is that I had changed. So decided that I was gonna go
on a shamanic journey I decided that shamanism was the path
I was gonna use to figure this out because it’s the most brutal,
let’s just be honest. Those of you who have taken
any shamanic medicines know that that path is
like really in your face. So, I decided, this was about
three years ago, to fly down to the jungle of Costa Rica and that
was where I was going to begin this, what turned out to be a 3 year journey
of figuring out loneliness 100%. So for three straight years
loneliness was my focus. I wanted to figure out
what created it. I wanted to figure out how to resolve it
and not just for an individual like me but for every person
on the planet. And it was a really
hard series of years. What I came out
with actually cause, I mean how many of
you by raise of hands, have been interested in
this shamanic path at all? So, like some of you. Well as you guys know, what I was able
to take down with me in the jungle in a backpack was basically a collection
of these lined pieces of paper. Just things to chart down insights
on, in between vomiting, and in between crying my eyes out
and trying to change my own life. So what I emerged with
after these three years Is this giant pile of
totally crumpled, like tear stained and sometimes
vomit stained, pieces of paper and I got back home with
it and I had the answer but it was like you know, my life
is just totally turned upside down by what I figured out. Because when you dive into loneliness
what you are seeing in the world actually is the fact that we live in
these parallel realities and it was so painful of a realization. I mean the shamanic path
does that to you but, when I really looked at
the world and I realized that I could be standing in the
same room with another person living in a completely different
perceptual reality than them, I had a very hard time
digesting that truth. And I also understood
my entire childhood. because something that I
had been struggling with like “How is it possible that that kind
of stuff could happen to me, at the same time as living in the
same house as my parents?” And it wasn’t until I understood
the parallel perceptual reality that I really got the why and
realized how dangerous it was. So, after I swallowed that truth I got these pieces of papers together
and I turned that into this book. So this new book of mine
The Anatomy Of Loneliness is basically what was written
on those pieces of paper but organized in a better way. So that you can actually
understand it. So I want to dive into loneliness
and give you a little sampling of what it is that
creates loneliness, because it’s really important
that we’re not just bypassing instantaneously into whatever
creates connection. We have the tendency
to want to do that, we want to skip
over awareness and we want to go straight
to “well, tell me how to fix it.” but you have to understand what
creates loneliness in order to fix it. If I can get you just where
you are to shut your eyes. I want you to turn
all your attention inward Feel how you body feels. You are still in the
frequency of shame, how does it show up in
your body specifically? What sensation are occuring
inside you body? I want you to memorize this feeling. ~ Baby crying ~
Nice manifestation ~ Audience Laughing ~ We got it? Okay, that is how your body
experiences shame You can open your eyes again. Every single emotions
that you have is almost like ice over the
top of a personal truth If that personal truth is the
water underneath the ice. So that emotion of shame is conveying
to you that something is happening All of your emotions
function like a compass So a compass says:
“Ah you are facing north.” Right? The emotion of shame is telling
you that internal fragmentation is occuring within you and I’m going to demonstrate
what that means. First. Our basic assumption
about loneliness is that loneliness
only ever happens because of what’s happening
outside us. Right? So we tell ourselves the story: “I feel lonely because there isn’t people
in my life that I feel close to.” Right? but the primary thing that is actually
causing the sensation of loneliness is internal fragmentation. And the fact that we don’t recognize this
is why we haven’t been able to resolve shame or loneliness. And the external loneliness that
we’re experiencing in our life, meaning people aren’t able to
actually have intimacy with us, is the direct reflection of this process
that’s happening inside us, that I’m going to
show you now. The first thing that you
have to understand in order to understand shame
is that we are a social species and this is something that i’m going
to be canvassing around the world, trying to get us to accept. Because you have been suckled and
bred on the concept of independence. Which is complete total B.S. Alright? Like you’ve gotta throw
this idea out of the window because we are independent
obsessed to the degree that we are completely isolated
in our social species A human being is no
different than a deer or a wolf. We have a herd animal
and a pack animal. The survival and well-being of
that animal has entirely to do with its closeness within this
connected social group. And a human being is no different. The people who try to teach you that
independence is a really awesome thing, “you know you can do
everything on your own.” You heard all these
speeches, right? “Everything you want is
coming from within.” Right? It sounds good right? Why? Ask yourself. Like let’s be super honest,
why does it sound good? OK so you say it sound good
cuz you don’t need anybody Why is that a good thing? Okay, so why would somebody think
that that was an awesome thing? Because in their childhood early
experience or even now, they feel so powerless to actually
getting that genuine connection, that any type of mentality or
modality that teaches them, that they don’t have to depend
on people they can’t depend on, feels good. Doesn’t it? Does that make it true? No. And this has got to
change, you guys. Not just because of you
and your individual life, this has got to change because
if we operate from that mentality We’re looking at our children
saying, the same thing. We’re looking at the criminals
that are sitting in our jail cells, saying the same thing. We’re looking at the people
who are mentally ill saying the same thing. Do I need to continue? This epidemic of isolation is
being perpetuated by our idea that we are not a social species. What I’m going to tell you is
that connection is the most, single most important human need. It is more impoertant to your biological
organism than food and water. If you don’t believe me
just go watch somebody thats in a serious stage of grief. Watch somebody in a really
bad breakup, can they eat ? Can they drink? Then its not a bigger need. End of story. So connection is the single biggest
need for a physical human and this is very serious for us because
we’re totally relationally dependent. You as adults are not really in touch
with this aspect of your being anymore because you can go get a taxi,
if you need food you can go get food, as a tiny little baby, if I was to take a
little infant away from its mother and set it on the floor,
would it survive? We are totally relationally dependent. and more so for our species than almost
any other species on this planet. And so, we are wired even in
our central nervous system, we are wired to absolutely
have to have closeness. And this is where things
get a little bit hairy because our process of socialization, and everyone in this room
has been socialized, it’s where we learn things that
are okay to do within society and things that are not
okay to do in society and of course that’s
gonna change based on whats your mom
is like, what your dad is like, what their religion was like,
what the culture was like. I mean it can vary like crazy
but you still all socialized And socialization is the process
by which you were taught what about you is acceptable
versus not acceptable So, here’s what I want
you to get in your head is the idea that when you come down
into this physical embodiment you are, for lack of a better
word, in a state of completion. it’s not entirely true because you
do come into ancestral trauma But for the sake of what
I’m going to demonstrate I want you to imagine that
upon coming into your life you are in a state of
completion and wholeness. That means that you contain within
you, because you are pure potential, you contain all polarities. I am meanness I am also niceness. I am darkness I am also light. Now what society does is
it starts to split you up It starts to say that’s good, that’s bad, you get to be this,
you don’t get to be that. Now let me show you shame I need one of you to be Mom. You. Okay so right now I want you to pretend
that this is one child, right now okay? So they’re one little kid. Let’s say
that this kid is three years old for the sake of this demo. three years old child
and here is Mom. Now this doesn’t mean you
have to be a bad Mom. This can be a
really good Mom. What was something in your childhood
That your mother disapproved of? She: Um, my dad disapproved
more than my mother. T: Of what? She: My loudness and… T: Oh I love it. Okay so in this household
loudness is not okay. So what happened
when you were loud? What did Dad say? She: Um… “Keep it down.
The neighbors will hear.” ~ Audience Laughs ~ “Don’t let people laugh
at you not with you” T: Alright so closing your
eyes for a minute I want you to become very familiar With two movements
within the universe. The movement towards
and the movement away. Now feel in your body when I say: I love you so much.
You’re precious to me. Does that feel like I’m
pulling you towards me? Or pushing you away? She: pulling towards. T: That’s towards that’s
the movement towards. Ready for this one? Keep it down! The neighbors
are going to hear you! Did that feel like a
push away or a pull? So watch what this looks like. Whenever mom or dad disapproves
it’s experienced as a push away. Now what did I just tell you about
survival in the human race? What’s the most important
thing in the universe to you? Connection and closeness. So I actually just threatened
the survival of this little girl. I’m not aware of it because I’m just
trying to get her to comply. But the nervous system registers
that as a threat to survival. Now, how many of you are
familiar with triangulation? Not very many. Oooo. Well triangulation is
a really fun thing that happens in all
social circles actually. It’s when we try to establish
repair through division. So let’s put this in an
external context first, and then we’ll do it
in an internal context. If I’m going to triangulate
her against her, I’m going to be like: “oh my gosh did you see
what she did yesterday?” “You know she shouldn’t be
treating you like that either.” She: yeah, no, I agree.
She shouldn’t. T: Look what I just did.
I just pushed her away, In order to establish repair here. I created closeness through division. So watch what happens with shame, When mom turns against the child, (And this could be any adult)
I’m just using Mom because she’s the one we feel most
close to, usually in childhood So it tends to be the deepest
push away wound. I disapprove of the fact
that you were loud. Those frickin neighbors
could hear us right now. Quiet down! Right? What I’m doing in that moment
is I’m pushing her away, Right? Pushing her away. Because of the loudness. Now the only way that she can
establish closeness with Mom again, Is to do what? Internally triangulate. Ok so I’ll demonstrate
this in a second, Ready for this? Consciousness can split like water. The physical body can’t right? I can’t just like, cut myself
in half and keep on living. It’s not gonna happen. But consciousness can,
it functions like water splitting. So you’ve seen a river, right? And the river goes right and
left and it’s still flowing. It’s not dead.
It’s just divided Your consciousness can continue
dividing and dividing an dividing So, the way that this
child is going to create this triangulation
against themself, Is by pushing part of
themselves away. If mom is disapproving
of her loudness. She is going to turn
against her loudness. She will cut that
aspect of her being. And by doing so, create
repair with mom. You just watch internal
split being created. Now this particular split is the split of
Im pushing a part of myself away. That is the definition of shame. That’s shame. So everytime you feel that feeling
in your body that you just felt. That I made you feel.
That it’s what is occuring But you recalling what you
feel the most ashamed about, you re-feel the feeling
of the splitting. So that’s what that emotion means. Did you get that so far?
Pretty cool hu? But here is where it gets painful. For some of us, we had parents
and adult figures in our lives That made an enemy of
certain aspects of us. So we turn against those
aspects of ourselves. Maybe one or two or three things. Others of us could not please
the adults in our life. Could we? Can you raise your hands and just be super
honest if you were that type of person? Higher average in
these types of circles. So if this was the case, then
you’ve created split after split after split after split after split. You had to make an enemy
of almost all of yourself. Now, this is what create self hate. No matter what you did. You couldn’t split yourself enough to
establish repair with the parent. So you now have a core
self concept of shame. Now, how does this
play into loneliness? You’re probably, interested
in that now, right? No? Let’s just take you two. Have you guys ever
heard the concept: “you can’t punch something without
your hand being punched too”? Push her away. Better than that. Oh my gosh you are obstinate. Let’s just pretend that
it actually worked, ok?. You can’t push something away without
pushing yourself away at the same time. What is this?
That i’m in right now? Between them? Space… Separation. This is loneliness. The more of this you have inside you,
because of those fragments. The more lonely you are. And… the more of this there it is, the more
it mirrors in the external reality Right? We live in a time/space reality that’s
based in the law of attraction. Which is easily rewritten
as the law of mirroring. Which means, that if all you
have in your internal reality is lots and lots of separation. What’s mirroring in
your external reality? Lots an lots of separation. So you are the person
who in your external life you’re very, very distant
from other people. Sad, huh? So that is the dynamic of shame. Now, i’m gonna show you
why we haven’t solved shame. Beside the fact we don’t understand
that this is what’s really creating it. The reason we really haven’t solved
shame is because we make it worse. In the self help industry,
in the spiritual field. We make this ten times worse. Ready for me to show you how? Now, mom it’s gone at this point. Sitting back at home, wondering
why daughter is addicted. #TRUTH So you are guys against
each other, right? cause you turn against…
You were the loudness, right? Yeah.
Yeah. Ok. You have turn
against your loudness. Now you feel embarrassed about this. So what happens in your
day to day reality is that you keep lining up with
experiences were you’re super loud. I know what that feels like
cause I’m american. Not kidding you guys. Everytime I land in London, I am like the loudest
person in every room. The cab drivers are looking at me like:
“Oh my god, this is so embarrassing”. And I’m like:
“What’s that? Oh my gosh!” So, I know what it feels like
to be ashamed of this one. So you’ve turn against
this aspect, right? Now you go to a self help seminar;
you come to spiritual seminar, and you tell me: “I feel really ashamed
of how loud I am”. Right? What am I gonna do? Usually. She: I don’t know. Heal it, somehow? ~ Laughter ~ Um, heal the need to be loud. T: Oh, there we go. We heal the need to be loud. So actually you have just stepped into
more socialization, around the same ideology, right? This is what it looks like: “Let’s go find your quiet part” “You are not loud as
you think sweetheart” “You should love yourself more” Look what I’ve just done. I actually enhance the split. And not only am I turning against it. I’m doing something worse. Im convincing her
this doesn’t exist. So what’s the solution
to shame you guys? Audience: Integration. T: I heard. I heard the magic word.
Integration. What does it mean? Yes. The solution. But what
does “self love” mean? Audience: Acceptance. T: You guys, seriously like…
I love this types of talks cause you keep shouting these words. It’s like, you sat in front
of spiritual teachers who have given you words,
and you’re like: “Oh! Self love!” But, what does that mean?
No one can answer me. Healing! What does that mean?
I don’t know. I’m gonna make it practical, ok? The way to solve shame and those
internal loneliness, right? Is that you are gonna get closer and
closer and closer to that part that you have decided that you hate. Now, this is the point at which
I have to break it to you. Some of you are already on this path but
most people find the path of spirituality and self development, hoping that
it’s gonna feel amazing from day one, Right? Oh you know who you are! You found spirituality one on one. and you are like:
“Oh my gosh, I create my reality” “You guys, this is awesome”
“I can just focus positively” “all day long” How long does that last? Well this is why it doesn’t last long. Because genuinely healing bring us
back in the direction of the aspects of ourselves that we have denied,
rejected and disowned. It’s inevitable. Because genuine healing is
about becoming whole. If the wounding is fragmentation, then
the healing is to come back together. Some of you’ve heard me say this before
but it’s really important to say it again because I want you to literally
write this in your journals, ok? “To heal it’s to experience the opposite” It’s literally that simple. You guys, this is like a big deal.
It’s not like a little deal. ~ Applause ~ This is what I mean by that ok? If you break your leg, Leg is broken. To heal is… What is the opposite of broken? Put it back together again. If the wound is:
“I’m lonely” What’s the opposite? To heal is: connection. If you wanna understand
healing, any type of healing. It’s literally just to
experience the opposite. So as long as you figure
out what the opposite is, you now know what you
have to get somebody to. So it’s about connecting a person
from where they are to that place. Which is the opposite experience. So as applies to this. The fragmentation, the healing
is to become whole again. So all forces in the universe are a kind
of fueling the idea that you need to come back in contact with the aspects
of yourself you cut off from. And this is why your path
of spirituality is gonna hurt. It’s gonna be uncomfortable because we
were trained that to get close to that means what? Death. I’m serious. So like, I just showed
you that whole entire thing where ok, well if I get close to my
loudness then I lose Mom, so… Your entire nervous is program to believe
that by getting closer to these aspects, you’re literally gonna die. It’s like no joke. What a spiritual teacher like me is asking
you to do is to be in the most pain you’ve ever been in basically. Because in order to heal, I’m saying go
back on the direction of those things you think are gonna kill you. So if some of you are feeling like
crap in your spiritual practice, you are probably
on the right path. ~ Applause ~ So, the first thing that
I need you to do, is I need you to stop seeing
yourself as a singularity. If we wanna heal
the fragmentation we have to start from
where we are which is, in a state of fragmentation. Now, when I come up to you and I stick out my hand and I
introduce myself as Teal Swan, that name makes me
singular doesn’t it? This is not the truth of any of us. You don’t know it though
cuz I’m not like: “My name is Teal. My Name is Michell. My name is Nancy. My name is Stevie.” Because I don’t introduce
myself that way, you see me as a singularity. And we, because we call
ourselves by one name, see ourselves as a singularity. And unless you have multiple
personality disorder, You’re not actually seeing
yourself clearly. Oh what did I just say? What I’m saying is that we all
have multiple personality disorder. Audience: ~ Laughs ~ The point at which we
call it a disorder is the point at which it
starts to scare people because we’re calling ourselves by
different names and losing memory. We’re in a dissociative state. But everybody has
multiple personalities. Everyone. We just call them sides. Right? How many of you have gone
out on a date with a girl, and she’s like, Oh my gosh,
thanks for opening the door And then two minutes later
at her work she’s like, ” Get out of my fricken office.” Yeah, that is a split. And usually we have no conscious
control over our aspects. Right? These fragments within us,
it’s like they control us. it’s almost like, I’m gonna do a little demo. We, whatever aspect of us
that we identify with, because it’s gonna keep us safe
in whatever given moment, That’s the one that takes us over. So, let’s say she goes
on a date right? Maybe I’m the personality
( It will be a funny one ok? ) Maybe I’m the aspect of her
that’s like super glamorous. Maybe way back in childhood I was the one that watched
Marilyn Monroe and realized that guys
would like that better. So, when she introduces
herself to a guy, Me, as her personality fragment, may come up and go… ~ Teal gestures and Audience: Laughes ~ I’m not kidding you, if you start looking at
the world in this way and even if yourself in this way,
it’s gonna blow your mind. Because you will literally watch this personality takeover
happen in real time. But it will help you understand
the world so much more. Not only that, it’s gonna…. Hi. (Teal whispers) I wonder what
you’re suppressing. ~ Laughter ~ Well internally what it’s gonna do for you to start seeing
yourself in this way is you’re gonna actually
be able to figure out how to end this pattern
of isolation internally. And you’re gonna understand
what self love actually is. So, this is the first thing
I want you to do. as a little experiment, I want you to begin
seeing yourself, not as a singularity, but as
this very fragmented being. It’s almost like, internally, I want you to see yourself
like stained glass. you know how with stained glass
you’ve got all these different sorta fractal patterns
going on right? You’ve got like a shard of red glass
and then a shard of blue glass, that’s actually what all
people are like internally. some people are more
shattered than others. But all of you have these parts. and if you actually start to address
them and deal with them, as if they are individual identities, You’ll become able to
bring them forward. So, it’s almost like, we’re accepting the fact that we
have multiple personalities, in order to unite them all. Interesting huh? So, what is self love? Self love is the process of, taking something as part of yourself. Taking a part of you
as part of yourself. Do you understand love? To love something is to
take it as part of yourself. It’s very simple actually. We assume that love has to be
this super positive emotional state that we feel towards something.
And that we can’t control it. That’s not love. Mostly that’s attraction. I’ll be demolishing that
in my speech tomorrow. To love something is to
take it as part of you. But intentionally with
your conscious will. And so, when you have aspects of
yourself you’ve pushed away because you feel shame, Right? Towards them, you’ve created this
internal fragmentation, You’ve pushed it away. That’s the opposite of love. Right? So, to love something is to bring it
in and make it a part of yourself. It’s to say: ” Hi loudness, I take
you as part of myself.” ” I see that you are the reality.” Now, here’s the bad
news/good news, Anything you identify with, I mean anything, you can’t cut it off anymore. because even if you don’t want
it to be a part of you and it’s the thing you
hate about you, because you have identified
it as part of you, You have no other option
than to bring it closer. So think about it right now, what is it that people have made
you feel the most ashamed about? You just mentioned it earlier today
in this little process I had to do. Do you have it in your head? There’s no getting away from that. There’s no convincing you
that you aren’t that way. It’s how do I find approval for it. Now, this is the way to do it. If this is you, right? And you’ve made an
enemy of your loudness, In this case, The first thing that
you’re gonna do is address your loudness
as if it’s a seperate being. Pretty easy to do
in this care right? Now, you’re gonna
try to relate to it. That’s what you haven’t been
doing when you pushed it away, You’ve not been relating to it. Right? How could you relate
to this aspect? If I told you today that
there’s no way you’re ever gonna not
have this as part of you. Now, see, what she
started to do is, that energy, she
turned towards it. Did you see that? She’s like, ” OK, maybe there has
to be some sort of commitment.” So she began, just what you
probably couldn’t see visually, is that she started
to commit to it. To commit is to put your
energy into something. So, this is the process of intimacy. Which is the reversal of
this isolation pattern. intimacy, what is it? it’s to see into someone. To feel into someone. To listen to someone. So as to completely understand them. It’s to become an expert on it. So, she’s now going to
commit to a process of becoming an expert on the
aspect of her that is loud. “Why are you loud?” “What are you trying to get?” “When did this begin?” You don’t have an
answer do you? She: Attention. Teal: Ok, so let’s say that
that aspect needs attention. this is very valuable right? because in a state of rejection, she’s gonna go: ” Well it’s
not OK to get attention.” Is that true? No. See we’ve gotta take, we’re taking everything that
this other aspect is giving us as valid. Now, there’s a difference
between valid and true. OK? So I might look at you and say, ” Feel like a freakin idiot.” That may not be true. But I’m still valid to feel that way. This is really important, for you to develop this capacity to see the difference
between truth and validity when it deals with
human beings. Because this is really where
relationships begin. When I can look at
somebody and say: “Your perspectives are valid.” Your feelings are valid.” ” And it’s up to me to
try to understand that.” That’s where we have an
open door for connection. Right? So, with these parts of
you you’ve pushed away, even in this tiny little bit,
we’ve found out, ok, so the loudness is
needing attention. That’s a valid need you guys. Now, it’s not up to you to say: “You don’t get to need that need.” That’s super harsh and not OK when you’re trying
to unite yourself or unite with somebody else. It’s about:
“Ok well if that’s your need, how do we get
that need met?” Because you’ve gotta start
to take the best interests of these aspects of
you as part of you. That’s what love really does. If you wanna know
the beauty of it. And why it’s safe. If I love you, I am connected to you. And in the connection, I can’t hurt you without hurting me. That’s the kind of world we
actually do need to create. Right? With this it would be impossible
to bomb someone. I could not do that if I
was genuinely connected. What happens when
I’m connected to you is that your best interests
are now part of mine. That’s your safety by the way. If you wanna write down,
what is social safety? It’s your best interests are
part of my best interests. This is not codependency. Codependency is: ” Your best interests are all that
matters and I don’t matter anymore.” That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that they become
a part of each other. So if there’s this beautiful
exchange of best interests, Now, when we’re trying
to decide what to do, like a decision, right? It’s about what’s your best interests
and what’s my best interests and we have to come up with a
third option that makes that work. She: Cooperation? Yeah I guess. A cooperation… on crack. So, do you understand this? when you find these aspects of us and actually I have people, when I’m trying to teach them a
sort of graduated process of this, I have them start to
identify these shifts. So, in your body, like when she
sort of switches into the loud one, She can feel the shame, first of all, That’s what tells you that
you’ve got a shame self present. In the book I go into
what a shame self is, But she can feel that come up and underneath the shame, also, she can feel the way
that her body changes. when you have a sort
of personality take over, from one of these
fragmented aspects, your body will feel different. And you will gravitate
towards different clothes, You’ll gravitate towards different
entertainment options. I mean it’s crazy. It’s almost like a totally different
person operating in your body. When you start to
pay attention to this it will start to scare the crap
out of you. In a good way. When that happens,
she’s going to try to see into, feel into, listen to and come
to completely understand that aspect. And when you do this, it is my absolute promise to you that you start to understand
what the needs of these indevidual fragments are. Why they are there.
Why they exist. Why they were created
in the first place. And that’s when you have the
key to meeting those needs. If she, in this particular scenario, starts to enable this one to
actually get the attention it wants, Then through the connection, it will no longer take on
such a negative expression. This is really revolutionary, what
I’m about to share with you. Because most people who are
gonna be resisting me in the future when I take this into
prison programs, Most people don’t understand why connection is such a
critical thing to create. Because this is why, If I establish a connection
with this person, Let’s say that this is a hardened
criminal in this case, not just an aspect within
me that feels shame, If this is a hardened criminal and I actually manage to create a
sense of connection with this person, Then the way that the character
traits of this person express, cannot injure me without
injuring him ( or her). Do you see how
important that is? Through creating connection, I make it impossible for this one
to express in a negative way. Which is why, for example, Let’s go internal again. If I have an aspect that
is an energy vampire. Right? And if I start to accept the aspect
of me that is an energy vampire, Through establishing the connection, this one can no longer
express energy vampirism in a way that is damaging. Instead it switches to a
way that is benefiting me. So, the way that that
would manifest is, Instead of sucking energy from
the room and from anybody, Regardless of whether that’s
healthy energy for them or not, They begin to actually suck energy
that is detrimental to people. So, energy vampires for example, once they have that
sense of connection, and that sense of approval
and even value, they start to be the best energy
workers on the planet. they can be in the
room with somebody, who’s got cancer and literally,
(~ suck it out ~) It’s crazy you guys. But, we wanna become comfortable
with this concept because, The world in the state
that it’s in today, where we continue
to push away aspects of ourselves and
do it externally as well, that’s why we’re in the
state of fragmentation that we’re in and it’s
gonna get worse. It’s getting worse every day. That’s why you’ve got kids that
are shooting up schools. It’s why you’ve got people
declaring war left and right. It’s why you’ve got politicians that
have absolutely no connection to the people that they lead. Right? We have got to be brave enough
to end this within society. Because let’s just take
the prison population, right? They are our externalized shame. That’s why me personally,
my vision for the future is justice reform, it’s what
I’m the most interested in. Because that is the
collective human shadow. and I hate… I wanted to actually
cause you pain now. when you read these news… “I wanted to cause you pain” No, but here’s the thing, When you read these news articles, And we demonise people. We’re actually damning ourselves. Because the people who are
rotting in the jail cells today, they are our externalized shame. it’s that when you were younger, Mom turned against you and
your desire to, you know, have something. And so we go, “oh well it’s not
ok to wanna have anything.” We shove it away. Now, that’s a criminal
who steals something. We are doing this
externally all day. We’re taking those things we
don’t wanna associate with, whether it’s sexuality
and saying: “oh, you’re a total whore.” Or you know, whether it’s
like, the aspect of us that feels rage, and we’re like, “You’re a criminal!” You know? We’re doing this to everything. And it’s a mirror. A perfect mirror of what’s
happening on the inside. And we’re making each other
miserably lonely because of it. So, my mission, if you will, Is to create a society where, the process of socialization doesn’t
cause this internal fragmentation. it is actually possible, for you to educate a child, to take you as the
parent, as part of itself. So, this is where
socialization is headed. I want you to feel… this is your like, “Oh it’s a pick me
up in Teal’s speech for once.” Where we’re headed is that when
we start to socialize or children, we’re gonna be teaching
them very early on, To consider the
parents best interests while we consider
their best interests. This is not narcissistic parenting, It’s not, ” You need to think
about me all the time.” I know that some of you
had those types of parents. That’s not what
I’m talking about. I’m talking about educating a child into
what it means to have a relationship. So, we’ll think about how that
impacts mommy right now. And I’ll think about how
that impacts you right now. And so you’re teaching a child
to always find the third option. Where both of your
needs are met. Instead of creating this
internal fragmentation. And perpetuating it
and perpetuating it. Because, we have to
start with childhood Because when we grow up we think this is a normal
way of dealing with things. That;s why we have created
the society we have today. That’s why we have the
justice system we have today. It’s even why we have the
structure of the cities that we have today. Where we’re so segregated and no longer living in what’s
natural to a human being. Which is actually tribe. So that’s where I’m headed. You guys get it so far? Audience: Yes. OK, so, fear is another thing that
creates this sense of isolation and loneliness in the world. Fear is much more easy
to understand than shame because what I just showed you
is internal fragmentation. fear is simply the
opposite of love. So if to love is to take something
as part of yourself, to fear, which is the
exact opposite of love, is to push something
away from yourself. That simple. If I am fearing this thing,
I’m pushing you away. I can’t do that without creating
that gap within me. And thus creating the isolation
and that loneliness. But here’s where we
go wrong with fear, We have aspects of ourselves
that are afraid right? So, in that scenario, I’m
the one feeling afraid so I’m pushing you away. So, I represent in this scenario, “a fear self” What do we do with that in the
spiritual feild and the self help feild? “Don’t be afraid.” So what you just told
her is “Don’t be me.” Did you enhance the
split or make it better? How do you process fear? Well yeah, you’re just like
answering my questions. Perfectly. ~ Laughter ~ What we need to do with fear is the opposite of what
we’ve done as well. And actually, with your
fear self, right? the best thing
to do with this is to bring it into the
center of the relationship. But that’s not something that
we think of doing right? And it’s sort of why I
challenged you tonight. I wanted you to
bring your shame into the center of
the relationship. because those things… it’s the shame and the
fear that we have that causes us to keep ourselves
separate and away from people. Now, if I want company
for those aspects, which is what we need, because right now
I’m separated right? As the fear self. What you need to do is to not
only bring me closer to you, Ok, I accept the fear. So you would actually
feel the fear. Not try to convince yourself
it doesn’t exist. Once she feels the fear
she gets to bring me… see she’s doing it nicely, she’s not bulldozing me. she’s still taking my best
interests into account. She’s pulling me into the
center of the relationship. So if she’s in a relationship with
somebody and I’m terrified, of being in a relationship, She’s bringing the fear into
the center of the relationship. Now, I know that sounds simple
but none of us do it. When you’re on a first date, how many of you are like:
“I’m terrified right now.” No really, like raise your
hands, come on. Like three of you. Yeah. Well that’s the reality
of us right? We’re hiding most of ourselves. So, wouldn’t it be revolutionary if what a relationship entails is to bring all of you forward
and on the table. That means the good the bad
the ugly and the awesome. Right? This is what I’m trying to do, Listen to that, that’s really
important though, see, she says: ” Everyone is
gonna run away if I do that.” What the hell kind of
world are we living in? And where does this end? That’s my question. You know. there comes
a point where it’s like, if you want a change you’ve
got to be the change. I mean a commitment. You guys, you have free will. You have complete free will, I can’t take it
away from you even when I want to
sometimes. ~ Giggles ~ Because you have free will it’s
up to you what you commit to. I got to a point in my life
where I was so damn lonely, That I couldn’t do it anymore. You know, I a lot of people don’t
like when I talk this way, but that was the gift
of me being suicidal. I mean there’s a gift
in every experience. the gift for me was,
” I can’t live like this.” So what I decided is, I’m
completely committed to bringing all of myself into
the center of the table. And if somebody
can’t take it, that’s not the type of world
I wanted to create. So there has to come a point where you’re like
brave enough to say, “I’m just gonna be the change.” And being the change
means being willing to bring all parts of yourself to
the center of a relationship. If you’re terrified it means saying:
“I’m terrified right now.” If you’re angry it means:
“I’m angry right now.” Right? And not just being the
change in that way, also letting people do
the same thing. So being the change means,
let me see all of you. Bring it. And noticing, this is
the important part, noticing that if she says something
or does something or brings a part of herself
into the relationship, where I’m like screw that, right? It’s not actually about her. It’s about, there’s some aspect
of me that I’ve done that to. You see? So, this is what’s happening
in the external world, when I’m getting close to something
that’s terrifying me out here, it’s actually a mirror of something
I’ve pushed away inside. So, when I get triggered, this
is the real cool part of this, when I get super triggered
by somebody externally, I go: “Crap, alright. ” There’s a part inside me
that I’ve pushed away. That mirrors that one. So, I go looking for
that part internally. And do that process of really
seeing into it, feeling into it listening to it, so as to
completely understand it. By doing that commitment process
I’m bringing it closer to myself guess what happens? I’m no longer triggered by this. Now those of you who can
actually do this process, You are the game changers
on this planet. You can make up your mind. It depends on what person, in
your general life experience, is open and which is not. I’ve pretty much surrounded
myself with people who get to accept this is pretty
much the way that I am. Some of you are not
in those positions yet, I’m still working on
changing society. ~ Laughter ~ You’re gonna have to
play this by ear for you, but for me, I’ve decided to
commit to this line of work I’m Teal Swan. So at this point I can look
at somebody and be like: “This is my work.” And they just get to be annoyed
if they’re annoyed. Because my commitment is
to this process right? Me? Like this: His questions was
how do you know.. so if you feel triggered
by somebody right? How do you find the
part within you that’s… Very easily! I look at
this aspect and I say: ” What’s driving me
crazy about that?” “Are they a social climber?” “Are they super sexual?” “Do they love attention?” Like, what is it about
them that I hate? Ok, now there’s
that aspect in me. So I start to look for it. So, I play this game… this is a process that
I can teach people, I play this game where I actually allow
that part to assume my entire body. So it’s almost like you’re allowing
a channeling to take place. By the way, channeling is a really
fancy word for willing possession. ~ laughter ~ To become possessed by one of
your internal parts is safe, because they do it anyways. But, what I’ll do, Let’s say that I’m
triggered by her. And I’m like OK well,
I’m gonna figure out what I can’t stand
about her. Right? Maybe she’s a social climber. What I’ll do is I’ll say: “OK, I choose with my free
will to allow the part of me that’s a social climber
to take over my body.” Now, I’ll close my eyes and as
if I’m literally letting my body just be taken over by that energy.
I’m not thinking about it. This is the most
important part, when you’re actually doing
genuine channeling work, I don’t wanna think
about what I’m feeling. I just let it take
over my body, I see how my body
starts feeling. I start to see how I’m thinking. I start to notice that maybe
when I’m in a room, I’m constantly thinking about
who would be the best contact that I could get for my
own advancement. Now, I just literally
am like looking at it. So, this is what intimacy is right? I’m looking really deeply
trying to understand it in full blown observation
and questioning mode. But I am at all times realizing, and reminding yourself,
which you have to do, “This is a part of me.” By virtue of doing that
you will relate to it. I mean how many
of you know, when you watch a movie and
there’s like a character that all people despise but for
some reason you’re like: ” I really kinna like that character.” It’s because you
relate to them. So, we play this process with
these internal aspects. Now, I’ve surrounded
myself, in my life, with a group of people that
are just used to the fact that this kind of process
where we’re always doing. So, if we’re in the
middle of dinner, I’m like” ” Wait a minute,
I just felt come up.” And then everyone’s like, you know, like watching and
doing their own process work. But like, obviously if you’re like,
working at a corporate job, and you can’t get away
to a cubicle somewhere, putting it off is ok. It’s just, you know, the more
sort of triggered you are, the more juicy that negative
emotional state is, the easier it is to get
into that actual feeling. I was doing this one time, I’ll tell you a little
bit of a story. I was doing this one
time with a serial killer, So, in my childhood,
you know, the man who I was with
actually killed children. So, I was one of those
people for a lot of years, it was like, if somebody brought
up the idea of like, you know, serial killers or
killing somebody, I was like: “No.” “OK, NO!” It wasn’t until the
day that I actually made myself go into my
own internal serial killer, Now, hold on to that thought cuz I’m about to mess
you up here for a minute. It wasn’t until I went into that,
that I really understood anything about my own abuser. That was the process that
revolutionized it for me. And ultimately will make it
so that somebody like me is capable of working
with individuals that have that condition. I got into that part
of me and I realized, I went into a real
dark mental state. But, I realized actually
that I was so lonely, I mean so lonely, This is gonna get gruesome. The idea of rolling around in someone’s decapitated
body parts, felt like closeness to me. Like the idea of having
to kill someone to make them stay put
instead of leave me, is where I had to get to
emotionally to relate to that. And once I found that
level of loneliness, I never had the same judgement
towards serial killers. And why is this important? You don’t have to panic
about the idea that owning these
aspects of yourself are gonna make
you a serial killer. that’s just what your Mom
convinced you of. Right? Mom says, don’t accept your loudness
or you’re gonna be obnoxious. Right? It’s not actually what happens. When you start to accept
parts of yourself like me, accepting Teal’s internal serial killer, I’m not killing people. Quite the opposite. What’s happening now is
that I have an appreciation for the depth of isolation that
brings a person to the state where they have to
do that kind of thing. Now when I walk into a room, A complete different shift happens
when I’m working with somebody, say, who’s in a jail, who
has killed someone. The kind of work I can
do with that person, is incredible now. Because when I’m
walking in the door, I’m not starting
with a push away. That’s where most
people start. You know, when a cop
walks in the door, who’s not trained in
this type of stuff, when a cop walks through the
door with the serial killer, It’s already a: “Dude,
fuck that. Like..” We can’t work with someone
from this setpoint. I mean, we should
already accept this when we’re in the
therapy setting, I mean, You guys probably
know what it feels like to sit down in front
of a therapist. You can feel it, when you
step through the door and they’re looking
at you like… They already judged what
you did is wrong. So they’re not gonna
understand it. And if we can’t understand it we’re never gonna be able
to create a different way of meeting these
people’s needs. So, I really, need
you to get this. Once you start to get close to
these aspects of yourself that you’ve cut away, what you have been
told will happen, which is demise, losing
your life, you know, losing the people around you. Never getting a date. It’s not gonna happen. That’s just what they
threatened you with so that you would
comply at that age. And it’s only when we find
that kind of understanding that we can actually meet
the needs of these parts. And when we meet the needs, they’re not gonna feel
the need to manipulate. Can we talk about manipulation? Manipulation is not evil at all. Literally. There is nothing malevolent about it. What manipulation is, is: “I can’t ask for a need up front.” “So I have to go in the
back door to get it.” So, here’s manipulation right? I actually manipulated
you guys tonight. Did you know that? Do you wanna know how? I like it when you look at me
and think that I am pretty. But like, by raise of hands, women, how many of you feel
comfortable to say that? A lot more than I’d thought. Well keep your hands up, come on. Now, look around at each other. That’s how many females
feel comfortable to do that. And, oh yeah, you’re not
comfortable if you’re like this. What we are taught is
that it’s not acceptable to walk in the door and be like, ” I want you to think
that I’m gorgeous.” because I like that energy, right? ~ Applause ~ T: Thank you. But I manipulated you didn’t I? It was a good manipulation. I wore a really awesome dress tonight. And I’m also aware of it. But I didn’t say anything about it. I just literally went and got what
I wanted, in the back door. Now this in not a manipulation
tactic that really hurt anyone. Yes. But that’s all any manipulation is. Any, manipulation, it’s just,
I found a backdoor way instead of a strait through the
front door way to get my need met. Does that make sense? Authenticity? Yes. ~ Laughter ~ Well, speaking of authenticity, you know in my findings about
loneliness, lack of authenticity, is really what’s creating this
condition, of loneliness. Because, look, and this goes
into this fragmentation process, If this aspect hasn’t really owned
the loudness as part of itself, It’s not really authentic is it? Your personalities are totally false. Do you wanna know why? Can I demonstrate why? Audience: Yes. T: Now that I’ve collapsed
your reality even more, Alright, so… Another demonstration.
Come over this way. I want you to pretend,
line up behind me. OK, we’re all a singularity again.
We’re a 4 year old child in this case. At 4 years old, let’s say
that Daddy leaves me. Leaves the family, he’s gone. What I’ve got as
the truth of me is, I’ve got a part of me
that’s really really hurt. Can you feel this energy? I’ve got this part of me
that needed Dad. I really needed that support
and now he’s vanished and I don’t know
what it means, and I’m making it mean
something about me. That’s the truth of
this vulnerable self. This isn’t keeping
me very safe is it? Because chances are that
there’s nobody here in my life at this age to work through
this emotionally with me. So that I don’t
create a fragment. What I’ve gotta do is really
quick figure out how to cope. So what I do is I create
an aspect that doesn’t… You’ve gotta look
less vulnerable… I’ve gotta create an aspect
that doesn’t care whether I have closeness
with someone. I have to create a super
independent aspect that’s like: “I don’t need anybody.” “I’m gonna climb on the
counters and get my own food.” “Screw him. If Dad left then Dad left.” See? So this is actually,
both are part of this person, me in this case,
both are part of me. But I am going
to identify with… The hand holding,
this is identification. I’m gonna take this
as part of me. Because this is the one
that keeps me safe. That didn’t keep
me safe does it? With that one I can’t climb on the
counters and get my own food. Which I’m basically
expected to do. Because when Dad left, Mom
had to get a full time job. So, the way that I stay
safe is by identifying with the aspect that’s
super independent. Now, because I’m connected to
this one, I’ve suppressed that one. This is the one that
shines through me. Now, when you meet me,
this is all you’re gonna feel. I’m gonna be the person that’s
like, super independent, super in your face, I get what
I want.I don’t need anyone. And when you describe
me to your friends, this is how you’re
gonna describe me. Is it the truth of me? Audience: No. T: It’s half of the truth of me. But this is what you’re
calling your personality. Your personality is
literally nothing more than an amalgamation
of what keeps you safe. More specifically, what kept
you safe in childhood. And you’re so identified with
it you see it as yourself. So, this process of integration,
it will introduce you to who you really are and the
life you really want to lead. I can’t even tell you how
beautiful it will get. But, it will get beautiful
on the heels of realizing, “Crap I’m not just this
independent aspect.” “I have an aspect of me that
really does need people.” “I have an aspect that was
really hurt by that as a kid.” ” I have a vulnerability that
I haven’t connected to.” Now many of you
know what it feels like for the universe to slam you
into this type of awareness. I call these the wack a tree at 70
miles an hour spiritual experiences. Suddenly you have cancer. Right? Chances are what that does,
is it puts you back in touch in one fell swoop with these
aspects you’ve cut off from. You know? I have a lot of friends
actually who are paraplegic, and who are paralyzed,
and their experiences they’ll literally tell me 100%,
they were entirely over here coping like this until the day
they got in that accident, and then they realized, the reason
that it happened is because the universe basically is trying to get
them to realign with all these aspects, The ones that really
did need someone. Now they’re having to depend
on people 24 hours a day. They’re like: Well, I wish I would
have learned in a different way, but I definitely
refound that aspect.” So, you know, I would love it if
we could get to the point where, we created this kind of
integration intentionally, instead of having to
line up with these incredibly painful
experiences externally in order to create
that alignment. Not that it’s wrong if
it happens that way. Some of us like to
learn the hard way. But I wouldn’t wish it for you. So, does anybody have..
I know I have 5 more minutes and of course I took up
the time, like I usually do. Does anybody have any question? Along the lines of loneliness? She: Hi, how do you develop
enough self trust to do this? T: To do what? She: To do this accurately,
100% do you… It depends because, I feel like
the power dynamics within the parts themselves,
how do you develop the kind of self trust that
makes you do that accurately? T: You start with emotions. So, the first form of self
abandonment which is obviously, if you’re abandoning yourself that’s like the most intense
violation that you can have. The first form of self abandonment
happens when you feel an emotion. Now, all you have to
do to understand what we as people do with
emotions is go down to any london street
at 10 o’clock at night. What do you see? Are these people who are
actually going into their emotions? Or are they escaping from them? Most of them are stressed
as hell because of their jobs. So what do we do? We drink ourselves
away from them. That’s self abandonment. That’s one form of many. So, I’ll tell you what it
looks like, in the moment. Let’s say that this is an emotion. Now, emotions, their closely linked to these parts we’ve cut
off within ourselves. So, let’s say that I walk into
a part and it feels like crap. Right? This could be for
positive emotional states too, but we tend to
be ok with that. We tend to bounce out of our
negative emotional states. So, I walk into a part
and it feels like crap. Now, this part that’s
feeding that emotion to me, that emotion is an indication of a
truth belonging to this aspect of me. Now, if I feel that
feeling and I go: “Well screw it. Screw it.”
Tape over the mouth, like, “I’m just gonna sit here at this table
and force myself through this emotion.” Do you see what
I’ve just done? Have I taken the best interests
of that part into account? No, I’ve bulldozed
it that case. Another thing I
can do is say, you know, I feel that
feeling and I’m like: “Ammm, somebody give
me a gin and tonic.” Right? What have I just done? I’ve just abandoned
abandoned that aspect. So, and where this really
starts to get good, with your internal work is,
you begin to be with feelings, and listen to the truth
behind the feeling. So, if I get in that scenario,
let’s say I walk into the bar, I feel like crap, and trust
me you can do this, because I had to teach myself,
I might lean up against the wall, and instead of instantly
escaping from it, I may even let them sit
me down or not, right? I may Like, lean up
against the wall, I close my eyes and I go
towards the emotion. Going towards an emotion,
what does that mean? It means that I
decide to feel it. You’re almost inviting
it to become more. An emotion always shows up
as a sensation in your body. That’s something to understand. Because when we talk about emotion
it gets rather abstract, right? It always shows up
as a sensation. So, anxiety for example,
might show up as tension. Like a tightness, may
show up as buzzing… I just wanna literally
allow it, almost like… this is sort of a
rough example, but let’s say that I was gonna
inject heroin in my veins, You wouldn’t watch
me fighting against it. What you’d watch me do
is literally surrendering, because I like that feeling right? I would just let it come
over my whole body, but I’m actually intentionally doing this
with the emotion in this experience. And what I’m doing is listening
to whatever messages it has. Now, that sounds abstract but once
you start doing this with emotion, it’ll always kick thoughts
to the surface. “I don’t like it here, people
are looking at me weird,” These are the truth
below the emotion. So, I’m listening to them and
I’m taking them as important. It’s not about whether they’re
true or not, they’re important. So, based off of listening to them,
It’s very easy to ascertain actually, whether they’re coming
from previous traumas, or whether, it’s expressing some need. Now, I might say:
“OK, so, right now I’m not feeling comfortable in this
situation because it’s so crowded.” Now, then I get to ask myself: “Is it self loving, what would
someone who loved themselves do?” “Would someone who loved
themselves stay here and force themselves to
do that despite the crowd?” “Or would somebody
who loves themselves, maybe put on a jacket with a
hood, so it feels less intimidating?” “Or would they leave the building?” Right there in that moment that
personal truth opens up options for me. And I get to take, the
option that considers the best interests of
this aspect of me. And when you start
making those decisions and actually feeling the feeling,
this one starts to feel like, I have it’s best interests at heart.
That’s what trust is. To trust something is
to rely upon the fact that it’s going to capitalize
on your best interests. That simple. So when I start
connecting in that way, this internal part of me says: ” Oh you are going to capitalize
on my best interests.” It starts to trust me. Now, it’s part of me so I
start to feel that self trust. And this, this is what I’ll
leave you with tonight, the reason this is so
important is because all these fragmented
aspects, right? They’re all inside your body.
You cannot escape from them. And once you accept that
it’s gonna change your life. Because, If this aspect of me feels
like crap, I will feel like crap. There is no exception to the rule. So I have one option, and that
is to consider it’s best interests. So for this reason, I’ve taught you
to see yourself not as singularity, But in terms of all these
fragmented aspects of selves. They’re all your internal
siamese twins. You’re familiar with conjoined
twins, or siamese twins? All these aspects
are siamese twins because they operate
within the same body. Internal peace is a
state of non conflict between all of these
internal siamese twins. That’s what peace means. He: This is the last question. It’s very important for me, like
when you have these emotions, running through your body, like when something you don’t
know what, has triggered it, like, do you have to do this listening
to your emotions only internally? Or is it ok also to like,
actually express it and talk through to the people…
I’m fucking scared now, ~ Laughter ~ T: Thank you. He: I’m really, like, it’s not the first
time, but when I speak in public it’s like, my heart is
beating super fast, and I’m like, and the only
way I can get over it is by actually opening up about it. That’s the only way, either that or,
I’m leaving that part of myself behind. T: Well good, so you just,
did what I asked of you. You brought it into the
center of the circle and actually caused
many of us to feel better. ~ Applause ~ Ok, so here’s your answer; Many of the needs of these parts
are to be able to express. Because that’s what you
were never allowed to do. So, yes, there’s gonna
be many times where you don’t just
process it internally. Now, there’s a real good tool you can
use within your social circles for this, and it’s kind of a cue to
tell people to get ready. I call it my shadow moment. So, I will walk into the room if
I feel like expressing myself, and I’ll say: “Alright you guys,
I’m having a shadow moment.” Now, this is my indication that you
guys now get to hold space for it. And what I am about to say, it
needs to be important to you, this is like the real
important part to get, it has to be important to you, but you shouldn’t let
it hit you completely. Because this is just me expressing. Sort of like, I’m
spitting flames. right? Now, when I walk
in and do that, it’s very easy for the
members in the community, if they are aware that this is
what’s gonna be going on, to hold the space for that.
And it is so healing. But I want you to remember this,
it is critical that you keep that idea that anything somebody
feels is valid and important. Regardless of whether it’s
ultimately objectively true or not. It is valid and is important. Because where we go wrong with
this, you know, container holding, is when somebody says:
“Shadow moment.” and people go: ” OK well then it
doesn’t matter what they say.” No it really does. Like I’m speaking something
that’s like true for me. It may be raw and it’s definitely
not the total truth of me. Like if somebody like me
walks in the door and says: “God I just wanna kill
people right now.” Obviously not all of
me feels that way. But I might need in that moment to
have that one part of me express that. And that can be so powerfully
healing when we have that. So, no you don’t need to
just only do it yourself. But we do have to begin listening
to ourselves, which we don’t do. We’re in this phase
within our lives where almost everything we feel
we get out of, we deny, we disown. So, your first step towards self trust,
is to really feel those feelings. be with them, listen to
what’s underneath them. She: Do you have a
video about anger? T: I have one. I have a video
about anger and rage yes. She: Good. ~ Laughter ~ And Blake is coming up
here to wrap me up. Ok, so that, that was
your little sampling, I swear in this book that I wrote,
I go into way more detail about how to go about
doing these things. And I break down these
pillars of loneliness and the concept of shame,
finer and finer and finer so that you can actually figure out
how to apply it perfectly in your life. This was my very abridged version to
what was a three year process for me. But it is my hope personally that
after you ready this book, or after you hear
this type of thing, you can start to take these parts of
yourself as parts of yourself again. So, that we can create a society
where it is not based on shame. Where we’re not teaching
eachother how to participate based on making an enemy of
parts of eachother or ourselves. And when we have a
world that’s that safe, that’s the kind of life that
I want be living in, so, I would love for you to join me
because this is the point in our life where we have to just literally
commit to being the change. To be the change means
be 100% authentic. Bring yourself into the
center of a relationship and let other people do that. And when you do that, you
will actually feel connection. So thank you for
having me here. ~ Applause ~ T: I love you. Transcribed and subtitled by:
Tanya Duarte, Mónica Xuluc, Nicole Reiter Subtitles by the Amara.org community

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