MELTING PAIN


(introductory music) – This story is about last Christmas when I went on a date. I went on a date, yep. Oh, and it was with my lady. It was with, it was with my lady. We went to the Melting Pot and for years, I’ve just been hearing rave reviews about this place, okay? Glow sticks and all, okay? So, I decided to nail
the feathers to the wall. Go! And achieve, okay? And I should probably say that I don’t do fancy well. I get all sorts of uncomfortable. And the Melting Pot was pretty dang fancy, pretty, pretty top notch fance, kay? As soon as I cross this etheric plane between normal and fancy, I don’t even know what to do. I have like an inner life debate on where I should place my hands. Where do they go? I look at these and I don’t know where to put em! Do I put em in my pockets? I wanna put my hands in the pockets. Other people have their
hands in the pockets. The fancy? (laughs) They have their hands
in the pockets, okay? And if they don’t have
their hands in the pockets, they’re usually holding
like a cigar or a brandy or a phaser. But, I think that’s just
like a perception filter blocking people from really knowing that they have their hands in the pockets. And it seems like every
time I go to a fancy place, there’s something preventing me from putting my hands in pockets. You know? It’s my bane, okay? If I see like, a banquet of free food, I’m gonna grab a plate
of free everythings. And as soon as I contain it and they all see me with this plate of decadent meats and
candies, then they know! Then they know. Then they know that I’m not of their kind. It’s my bane! It’s my plague. But also my muse. My lady and I entered the Melting Pot. Date night. Ha ha ha! And right off the bat, the freaking air is like a little bit thicker. Yeah. Almost as if like, time forgot this place. My lady was enjoying it. She was emanating anti-frowns at me. And I was emanating ’em back. And freaking, I am
consumed by this thought. This one thought. Whether or not I should put these in the proper khaki docking port. My pockets! I see something lavishly placed in the front
of the restaurant, kay? It was a bowl of pillow mints. (laughs maniacally) I mean this is just a high class mint! Let the smiles glow on me! I would be a fool not to grab one. I grab a bundle, two handfuls and I shove em in my pockets. The hostess saw me. I excavated it right in front of her. I grabbed two handfuls of freaking mints and shoved em in my pockets while she was watching me. There was this glaze in the hostess eyes, almost like the time that the secretary from Ghostbusters got the first call ever and she just said, “We got one!” Something was goin’ on. I didn’t know what it was yet, but something was goin’ on. But, the hostess takes
us to the table, okay. We get a booth. Booth. I didn’t even see our waiter come haunting out of the darkness to our table, okay? And his name was Simon. I remember he asked us if we’ve ever been. I look at him and I say,
“What do you think?” He just erupts in laughter. He starts laughing at me. I mean, I’m so very sorry! That I didn’t pack my mint thrill tunic under my button down to block from impaled insults, Simon! Okay! He started talkin’ about
like spices and broths. I had no idea what this
man was talkin’ about. I can nod in agreement,
but that’s about it. I don’t know anything beyond that. One thing I do know though, cinnamon. I know the crap outta cinnamon. Simon said something crazy about
the Melting Pot, okay? He said that we would
have to cook our own food! (laughs) What is that? When you come to the Melting Pot, you get to cook your own food! How awesome is that? What?! What are you talking about? Oh man, no, it’s all, it’s great! That’s how we do things
here at the Melting Pot! Do we even have to pay? Or do you like, pay us
for doing everything? You pay, man! Can you apply anything to make me feel better
about this situation? We can instagram your food! That’s, that’s always a keeper! I knew at this point that I wanted to find a way to put these in my pockets, crush the pillow mints, get up, walk out, find a Steak N’ Shake and prosper the crap out of life. But I was committed! I was committed! I couldn’t go! Simon turns on the pot and vanishes into the darkness. The pot began smoking. OK, just pluming away right into my face. I was getting a little steamed! Ya know, after what felt
like a small lifetime, ya know, Simon comes widdling
back with cheese fondue. Ho ho ho, cheese fondue! And he’s holding a tray
of dippable objects. And I’m sittin’ here thinkin’, what lavish objects are we to
be able to dip into this gold that’s gonna enable us
to feast like kings! Let my eyes, I mean just let my eyes radiate in decadence at these tortilla chips. Haha, hold on one second. Let me clean up the dribble of pee that I had to execute in mid-stream when I saw tortilla chips. We finished the cheese fondue. Years later, he brings the salads. We eat the salads and he
comes out with the entrees, which to my disbelief, was
uncooked strips of meat that I had to poke and shove into a pot. After a few Lord of the
Rings extended editions, Simon materializes with chocolate fondue. (laughs) Chocolate freaking fondue. This is the thing
everybody was raving about. I was wowed by what I got to dip into this cocoa melt. Rice krispie treats and marshmallows. Marshmallows. A gelatinous air puff that cost a penny to make. Maybe I was naive in thinking that I was possibly to be able to like dip undiscovered foods, possibly not even from
this planet into fondue. Like dragon eggs and piz gold. It was over a hundred
dollars wasted on what? Marshmallows! Uncooked meat! Cheese! That we had to cook for ourself! What was I paying for? The smoke flume? I wasn’t mad about the money! The money’s fine. It was meant to be spent on my lady! However, I was mad when I found out that I
was in this restaurant for three hours and 45 minutes! Basically four hours! I was in the, this
sweatshop for four hours! Okay, not only did you take my money, but you wasted me and my lady’s time! Sweating on what easily
was the Dagobah system. Waited on uncooked meats
and salads and marshmallows! We were basically working there part time. And we were paying them to work! That’s not even the worst part! The worst part is for
three hours and 45 minutes, a rough four hours, I wanted to place these
hands in my pockets so bad! But I couldn’t because my pockets were stuffed to the
brim with pillow mints! My hands were free roaming, forced to cook meats
and melt marshmallows! Oh! Pee rain! Pee rain. (laughs) Crap, I feel better. I feel better.

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