Mortician Makeover

I wear a mask just in case
any fluids or any poop
or anything decides – it wants to fly out and
it won’t go in my mouth.
– Oh, okay.( music playing )– Are you Patrick?
– Oh, yeah. Hi. – Hey, I’m Link.
– Nice to meet you. I’ve been in a bike accident
with my friend here. – Oh, no.
– The great news is
I’m not dead. – Oh, good. Good to hear.
– The bad news is, he is. – Oh.
– He was attacked by
a gopher in the face. No, no, no.
This is from the road. – Ha, he talkin’!
– You should see the gopher. – ( laughs )
– This is basically
a role play in order for us
to experience what it’s like to prepare a deceased person
for whatever’s after. – You’re the man
for the job, right?
– Sure. Do you sew up
the butthole? That’s the thing
that I wanted to know
right off the bat. – Yeah, if it’s pretty
runny, yes, we will.
– Oh, gosh! – Hopefully they have
no Taco Bell.
– Mine is perfectly puckered – and nothing’s coming out.
– You look pretty short-staffed
today. – Can I be your assistant?
– Oh, sure. We’re gonna take
this clothes off. We’re gonna cut
everything off. So we’re gonna take
these scissors here. – Link: There it is.
– You know, some people
buy Gucci outfits and everything,
you have to cut the stuff off. Now Patrick, just
remember, bike shorts, they got kinda something
that’s going on down there. If you’re noticing
the bulge, I mean, I would like to
take credit for it. But you know what?
I’ll take credit for it. We’d have to suck out
the fluids first? Yes, he would
go into embalming. You’d hook up a hose
to a sucker? He would go over here
with that machine right there. – This thing?
– This is what
you aspirate with. You poke that
down his stomach. Wait, I don’t want him
touching that. – You would poke this
in the stomach?
– Yeah. I’m not gonna freakin’
aspirate your stomach. I’m not comfortable–
look how sharp that is. You should not be
allowed to be
holding that. This instrument is used
to suck out all the gases and extra juices
inside the body. Have you ever
had somebody request to have a little
pocket of air left over for the funeral?
Like a well-timed fart – in the middle of my funeral?
– No, gross, gross, gross. And then you take this
and you just– – Patrick, you keep handing
him that.
– ( laughs ) I’m sorry! In the movies,
the dead person is like this and then if you
slowly go like that, – their eyes close?
– No. No. Sometimes the eyes
have to be removed ’cause the eyes are so bulgy
they won’t close. – You pluck ’em out.
– What’s the weirdest thing
that anybody’s ever requested – to be buried in?
– Lingerie. Like a pretty
little gown or something,
something see-through. The problem is what you see
when you see through. I like the idea,
of, like, goin’ back
to my roots. I’d just like to be completely
naked with a bagpipe positioned right here.
And then everybody can
come by the coffin and push it and play it.
( imitates bagpipe )( music playing )– This is nice.
– I got something. – Oh, perfect.
– Look at that. – Tux on the top–
– Okay. A little Scottish
on the bottom. – So, what’s up with the socks?
– Nice wool socks. Be stiff, man.
Rigor mortis,
they call it. – Link: ♪ Rigor mortis ♪
– There we go. There we–
look at that. Gonna button the shirt up,
before it’s on him. – Yes. Yes.
– Some sort of
trickery happening? – Do you talk to the
dead person, like–
– Sometimes. If I like the
hairstyle, I did. If they hair’s like, really,
really pretty, I’m like, “Okay, you look
real good, girl.” – It’s buttoned.
– So, we’re gonna take
these scissors– – Rhett: Who knew that this
was a part of it?
– Yep, yep, yep. – Whoa!
– Patrick: I’m not
gonna cut it. – “It.”
– Don’t worry. Take this arm here– You just massage
your rigor mortis out– Little massage, too, huh?
Being dead’s not that bad, guys. This feels a lot like
when I used to play with dolls
as a child. You played with
pants-less dolls? Look at this.
We got tails. – You look cool, dude.
– You look like a
concert pianist. Finally, we get
to cover the crotch. – Whoa, ho!
– Man, I’m really getting
in the spirit. – He was killed, and
now he’s…
– Kilted. – And finally…
– That’s a nice purse. – Ooh, look at that.
– It’s really nice. A dead person is not
so much dressed as
they are draped. – Why do have a mask?
– I wear a mask just in case
any fluids or any poop or anything decides it
want to fly out – and it won’t go in my mouth.
– Oh, okay. What next? Well, let’s fix this
wound right here. – So you’re gonna shove
– Yes. in a living man’s wound,
but if it was a dead man
it would be wax. – Yes.
– Smells good. I’ve always
wanted to eat this stuff. So you want to try
to cover this up. It’s like kindergarten
again, Rhett. Putting Play-Doh
on dolls’ faces. Now I’m gonna use
some cosmetics. Matching his skin tone
a little bit. Man, you’re gonna look
casket beautiful. Which is the best kind
of beautiful. Clear polish on his nails. Now we’re gonna get
a nice cologne for him. – Is this it?
– Oh, we can’t use that. – No, that’s embalming fluid.
– “For extra-firm cavities.” – Make you hard as a rock
to the end of time.
– Uh-oh. – Into the casket he goes.
– Yes, hallelujah! All right. Oh gosh!
( straining ) What has he
been eating? Slide him down,
just like that. Oh, you’re a little tall
for this casket. ( laughing ) Is this
a normal position? What’s the problem?
We’ll just take this leg– – Rhett: ( laughing ) Oh, God.
– Okay, just jam it. – Just jam on it.
– ( clicks closed ) – Oh, there we go.
– There we go. I’d like for him
to hold a coat hanger. It’s what your kilt
was hanging on. When I get to the afterlife, I like,
hang my kilt back up? – And walk around naked.
– How does the casket feel? My legs could be straight. – Patrick, we did it.
– We did it. Rest in peace,
my friend. – You want a burger?
– ( laughs )( Scottish bagpipes play )Rhett:
Hello? I’m getting a cramp! Rhett:Click through to see
if Zach Braff can figure out
which weird podcasts
are real or fake.
You can’t get pizza stains
on our black-on-black
logo t-shirts,
so grab yours


Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *